-
Every morning when I wake
I can feel the weight of my own insignificance.
I look in the mirror at the ghost in front of me
and I don’t have to wonder why nobody sees me.
I don’t have to guess what I am to you
because I am nothing.
I am nothing but a cold breeze against your skin
on one of those lonely nights
where I could have been sitting beside you
if only you’d have asked me.
Nights like these,
I really want to end this story.
I really want to sweep away and blow into some other town.
Where I will never leave a memory.
Where I will never leave you,
my hope,
my joy,
my laughter. -
Sometimes it seems that i don’t have the skills to recollect
The twists and turns of plots that turned us from lovers to friends
I’m thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
And crack it’s weary spine and read to help remind myselfBut if i move my place in line i’ll lose.
And I have waited, the anticipation’s got me glued.I am waiting for something to go wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
I am waiting for another repeat
Another diet fed by crippling defeat
And i am waiting for that sense of relief
I am waiting for you to flee the scene
As if you held in your hand the smoking gun
And on the floor lay the one you said you loved.And it’s strange
They are basically the same
So i don’t ask names anymore.Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it’s worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse. -
We started off across a room
locking eyes and subtle clues
Connection then devotion grew
closer than our mothers knew.It’s hard to fill the middle in
What triggered Cause to the Effect
Suddenly you exitedWith a subtle look we would communicate
Now all the words we saved return to curse your name
With a subtle lookI’m jumping off this moving ground
needing just to levitate
I’m landing now, forgetting how
Your gravity ruins everythingYou fill my head and weigh it down
My clouded heavy vision sees
your arms, once mine, now wrapped around
a different boy who looks like meWith a subtle look we would communicate.
Now all the words we saved return to curse your name -
let’s say that we did
try again to exist
but we never did
and we never will again
we don’t know how
and it doesn’t matter now
if we make it by
‘cause it’s too hard to try
if you make it here
or if it’s too far for you to drive
that’s fine
i don’t really care if you’re minei used to think you were everything
that lived in me
but now it’s easy to see
that despite my love for you
it’s not enough
for your words to be true
and i didn’t know what to do
i thought i’d die
but i don’t really care if you’re mine
i’ll be fine.that’s a lie.
that’s a lie. -
when the person i was with for 4 years broke up with me last summer, i took it really hard, because i thought that it meant i would never be able to have the things i wanted in life—a husband, a family, the white picket fence… i thought right then it was over and i wouldn’t get another chance. then i met someone who changed my mind about that for a little while, but ultimately, good things never seem to last in my life. everything is a fleeting illusion.
upon losing the love of my life and losing my best friend, losing everything that had kept me going, losing everyone who kept me here, it’s hard to really see that light now. it’s hard to think that i can still have the things i want, because maybe, i give up. maybe i just don’t want them anymore. maybe all i really want is to curl up into a ball and die. i don’t want to get close to someone again, only for them to destroy me once more. i don’t ever want to fall in love again, only to have it all be completely fucking fake. i don’t want a new best friend, i want my old one to exist again && for her to tell me why she wanted to destroy me && how come she didn’t feel bad for everything she put me through.
i just don’t want anything else anymore. i didn’t want anyone else. the person i always wanted is dead. my dreams are dead. my hope is dead.
-
i’ve been laying in bed for the past 18 hours thinking about what my life means to other people. i don’t know if it is the new drugs making me morbid, or if it’s just my usual morbidity, but i start thinking about this and can’t stop, and i start thinking that if i were to die right now my life really never would mean anything & no one would be really choked up about it. i just wish i felt like someone, anyone, would really care and be truly effected if i were to jump in front of a train right now. i’m not close to anyone anymore, and that’s an awful feeling. i want to matter to somebody.
my grandma had this friend named Jean, and they were friends for like 60 years. every christmas my grandma sent Jean a box of things with turtles on them that she would collect at various stores/garage sales throughout the year, because Jean liked turtles, and every christmas Jean sent my grandma a box of stuff with cats on them, because my grandma liked cats. can you imagine what it must be like for Jean now, every christmas rolls by and she doesn’t get a box full of turtle stuff from her friend? i can’t imagine what that would be like.
but i wish i had a friend like jean. i wish someone thought about me. i wish i meant something. i wish i was more than this.
-
The spin of the earth impaled the silhouette of the sun on the steeple
And I’ve gotta hear the same sermon all the time now from you people
Why are you staring into outer space crying
Just because you came across it and lost it?
Everything reminds me of her
Everything reminds me of her
Everything reminds me of her
